daphiexn
Hindsight insight
Oct 29, 2023 Sunday, October 29, 2023 | 0 comments

"Everything makes sense in hindsight" - Daniel Kahneman 

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Every now and then, my life shifts. 
And almost always it takes a path that requires so much change, the last chapter feels like a different book - the characters rotated out are replaced by a new cast, people who held the most airtime now barely stand on the sidelines, and the setting is entirely different. 

No matter how many times it happens, in the moment it always feels like the world is spinning off its orbit without forewarning and everything is a mess and nothing makes sense and there seems to be no reasonable explanation to justify the things that are happening. And more often than not, things are changing so much so fast there is no time to process thoughts and you just have to let things happen. 

but like seasons, winter comes and goes and spring always comes again after. 

Give it a year or two (or ten) - it will make sense.

Sometimes the reason is to learn what you had to so you'd become what you deserve to be; sometimes the reason is simply just that you were in your own way. and sometimes it's because you wouldn't take the action to relief yourself of a non-ideal situation if things weren't bad enough (re: the Region-beta paradox). The signs always come first as a whisper then a yell when you don't listen. 

Nothing monumental ever comes out of mediocrity - the law of averages rules that for every negative thing that is something positive of the same magnitude must happen. It simply is the law. 

(I personally believe that there is a large part played by the lack of resistance when control is given up and you have decided to let motion take its own course that it allows for the good to come in because of the law that like attracts like wtf - that's a different topic altogether, but both can be true simultaneously)

So rejoice in "bad" days because they are a sign that good must come. And enjoy the good days because they are the fruits of the work you've done. (and im not saying good can only come when bad happens because i will tell you firsthand shadow work is not pretty) 


See, the thing i've learnt that everything moves forward but only makes sense when you look backwards. 
And it took me awhile, but I have learnt to make peace with it and trust that what will come will make sense of all that is happening. It doesn't take away the dread or sense of lost control, but it helps sooth the heart a little and allows the mind to rest, knowing that answers will come in good time. 

-

Maktub (arab) / B'shert (jewish)
for all is written / what is meant to be


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(not proofread - as usual at this point wtf)
thank u for reading!
it is always a minute since i last written 
and i think its because im just 
always rearranging the same thoughts
but it always feels like there is something more 
idk

i wish for u nothing less than
a cozy bed 
and thoughtless sleeps xxx


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DYS:
May 22, 2023 Monday, May 22, 2023 | 0 comments

 Dear younger self,


It has been a very long time since I last wrote to you. And to say that the trajectory of our lives have changed is only covering a fraction of all there is.

Right here and now is where I never thought I'll be. Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's a prefrontal cortex thing, but I can tell you with certainty that so much that we used to worry about sits so far behind my head. 

They don't really go away, I think - the thought of having to be more or do better and the lack of what is, but I have grown to appreciate what is and what is possible to become that just to mope and be my own worst critic. Self-reflection is necessary, but it is as necessary to be kind to yourself and allow yourself for time. 

-
There is so much I want to tell you and so much I will not - because it is just not the same to understand it intellectually and feel it viscerally. But what i will tell you is this: 

Be yourself,
and I mean every version of yourself. 

This seeming overt advise encompass (for me) a big question mark of what being oneself means, and growing up it seemed like an endless quest to conquer - which I soon later realise, it is. 

As time passes and things happen, what is ideal is not only vague but also constantly evolving; as we are inevitably always reconstructing the person that we are. 

And I'm here to tell you that, you are allowed to change

You are allowed to have liked one thing your whole life and not like it one morning. 
You are allowed to try-out different things and realize it's not your thing and move on. 
You are allowed to change things for absolutely no reason at all. 

It's not your job to make sense of yourself for others - you just need to make sense to you. 

And honestly? People don't care about it as much as you think they would. They have themselves to think about, the same way you and I both spend the vast majority of our time worrying about ourselves. 

-
So just be yourself, and embrace every big and tiny changes you feel like making. 
So long you do no harm to others and understand that your actions are consequential, just do it. 
Life truly is too short to think about absolutely every possible worst outcome (but please do so responsibly - take calculated risks if you must). The worst that can happen is that you absolutely hate it; but the worst that can happen if you don't, is ever-wondering what-ifs. 

-
Whatever happens, 
I am here for you, and I love u. 

Always, 
(almost) 30 year old you
xx


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not proof-read as usual!
pls dont come at me wtf. 

Thank you for taking time to read x
I hope the traffic is kind and
your morning beverage is just the way you like it
xxx 

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More change
Feb 25, 2023 Saturday, February 25, 2023 | 5 comments

It really is insane how quickly life can change. 

There were few moments in my life where my reality took a 180 and i barely recognize the world i live in. 

Right now, I'm sitting in a room i have never set foot in until 3 months ago, in a residence ive been to maybe 5 times in my lifeline, in a sweater i have first seen only a month ago. The people who are my constants now are mostly people who ive never met / have lost touch with until less than half a year ago. 

New job, new space, new constants - all in half a year-ish. 

-

and change is terrifying. 

It's watching the pieces of yourself you are most familiar with fall apart - sometimes, as you are tearing it apart. It is free falling not knowing where you may land. It is removing yourself from an environment you have learnt the patterns of and putting faith in an ideal that, at the point of change, feels so far and intangible. 

It is letting go of everything you know for a chance that what may come will be closer to what you truly desire. 


but change is also necessary (and sometimes, involuntary)

We cant be the same person we were 10 years ago. The only thing as terrifying as change is the thought of living in a loop - doing the same thing and having the same thoughts over and over again perpetually with little to no variation, never knowing or questioning what may or could be. 

So i guess it's all about choosing your terrifying. 

but speaking from experience, time and exposure does change a person whether you like it or not. And when the change becomes radical and you have expanded as a person, what that had been a comforting warm hug feels a tight squeeze, and the way to ease resistance would be for you to inevitably remove yourself. 

and i take comfort in my constant constants. 

Einstein's first law of conservation of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, but can only be changed from one form to another. 

It is law that nothing that has been taken will not be replaced with something that is a better match for you on a vibrational level. And it is law that, as the field shifts, only those that are compatible to your energy can stay. It is simply the law. 

Blessed are the ones who are able to change with poise and ease, but the lucky ones are those who are able to keep a few constants close no matter how much they change. I like to call them the forever people / gravity. Much like gravity to earth, it doesn't matter how much the world has changed, gravity is always relevant, and is always there. 

and it quiets my mind knowing that, no matter how much change has / will happen, if they are your forever people, they will always be there. and those who don't make it through weren't yours to keep anyway. 

-
So I am grateful. 

I'm grateful for the chaos of change that (on hindsight) was very much inevitable. 
I'm grateful for the comfort that was a safety net i outgrew, for all the parts it has played in my past, directly or indirectly contributing to making me the version i am today. 
I'm grateful for new experiences and the opportunity to grow. 

and I'm grateful for change


--------------------------------------------
(not proof-read as usual haha) 

thank u for reading xx
.
first long(er) piece in a long time 
honestly i had no idea what this piece was going to be about
but here we are hahahah

i guess, if all else fails
words will always be my forever constant 

ily xxxx 

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to love
Oct 2, 2022 Sunday, October 02, 2022 | 0 comments

to love
is to grow a garden of flowers
knowing that some day it may all wilt
but until the day comes
you pour all your heart and soul
and hope that maybe
just maybe
that can be enough 

- d, 2018


———
maybe even then, i knew. 

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Breathe
Sep 14, 2022 Wednesday, September 14, 2022 | 0 comments

to you,


who’s mind is in between thoughts

and heart in between feelings:



breathe 


and know that 


sometimes

action is what makes

a self-fulfilling prophecy


and non-action 

is better than action

decided in a muddle


so 

just breathe


and let things happen




-


dont want to be that girl

but im blaming this all on mercury retrograde

i’ve never felt more scattered

since…… ever really

the amount of weird my heart is going through

i kinda wanna tap out honestly


but there will be better days 

i know that for sure

 i hope you do too 


ilyvm xxxx 



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